10
Steps to a More Intimate Relationship
10: Be Present When You're with Your Partner
When using a cell phone while
driving can be so dangerous -- but according to a study conducted at the
University of lugano, it may also put your family relationships at risk .Here's
why. Using your cell phone may seem like no big deal, but it can make you less
available to your partner. When you're multitasking -- driving and talking on
the phone, for example -- you're not focusing on the conversation and are
unable to pick up on important social cues, which can lead to misunderstandings
and a partner who is left feeling emotionally isolated and hurt. You're not
present with your partner. You're dividing your time between the phone, the
road and the conversation. To build and maintain intimacy, choose one thing at
a time.
So, think about it.
Does your iPhone get more attention than your partner does? Do you reach for it
despite the fact that you're sharing a meal with your spouse or good friend? Do
you bring your BlackBerry to bed? If so, you may find that unplugging gives you
more attention to devote to your relationship.
9: Maintain Eye Contact
Eye contact is a key
component to how we socialize with other people, and it's one of the most
important pieces of creating an intimate relationship, romantic or otherwise.
Known as the "anchoring gaze," face-to-face, eye-to-eye communication
is a subtle, non-verbal way of making yourself vulnerable to another person.
Eye contact shows trust and emotional openness, and it also increases our
feeling of being understood by another person.
8: Be Physically Affectionate
To be physically affectionate not only feels good,
but it also triggers our bodies to increase the amount of oxytocin produced.
Oxytocin is often affectionately known as the "love hormone" because
of that feel-good effect, but it also helps to promote a monogamous romantic
relationship. And physical affection isn't limited to sexual intercourse -- even small gestures like holding
hands or hugging count.
In addition to oxytocin,
sex also increases the level of a specific neuropeptide -- a molecule in the
brain that helps regulate areas such as learning, memory and reward -- called
arginine vasopressin (AVP), which also facilitates bonding with your partner.
Both substances play an important role not only in promoting intimacy between
you and your partner but also in socialization skills.
7: Be Spiritual Together
By sharing your faith
-- either a particular religion or
general feelings of spirituality -- with another person opens life in not only
a secular way but spiritually as well. A belief in a specific higher power
isn't a requirement: On its own, a shared life philosophy can help build a
connection to something greater.
Research has also
found correlations between some religions and the romantic relationships of
their adherents. For example, according to data collected between 1991 and 2004
by General Social Survey (GSS), couples who identified themselves as Catholic
or with a conservative religious faith had a lower likelihood of cheating on
their partner than their peers who had no particular religious affiliation
6: Pay AttentionTo be emotionally, mentally or physically intimate with a partner begins with listening to what he or she is saying and paying attention to his or her actions. It sounds simple, but it's not. To properly pay attention, you need to tune everything else out ... from your work stress and to-do list to your thoughts about what you'd like for dinner. Tune out your personal immediate needs, and then listen.
Regular listening
means being attentive, not thinking about what you'd like to say next. Look
your partner in the eye. Be silent while your partner is talking, and when you
do speak, be courteous and reassuring.
5: Be Emotionally Available
If you aren't
emotionally available to your partner, you're withholding the intimate details
of your life: the very opposite of what you should be doing to build a more
intimate connection. What comes along with that is a decreased feeling of
appreciation and value -- that specialness that comes along with an intimate
relationship -- on your partner's behalf. After a while, that can have
detrimental effects not only on emotional intimacy but also on sexual intimacy
as well.
Do it a priority to
share the daily details of your life with your partner, such as what's going on
in your work life, as well as your secrets. Sharing the feelings and dreams
that are unique to you shows your vulnerability as well as how much you trust
your partner to accept the real you.
4: Accept Unconditionally
It is easy to jump
into a relationship with the idea that you'll be able to encourage your partner
to change -- just a little -- to be closer to your ideal. But that idea isn't
usually realistic or very fair to you or your partner. On top of that, the
little projects you have in mind, like getting your partner to get a haircut,
become a fan of your favorite band or stop wearing those awful shirts, are an
obstacle to intimacy.
Acceptance goes
hand-in-hand with encouraging another person to share the most intimate details
of his or her self: hopes, dreams, goals, feelings and personal history. Your
partner needs to feel confident that you'll accept and appreciate all those
thoughts and feelings, not dismiss or make fun of them. And the same goes in
reverse: Your partner should accept your thoughts and feelings, too.
Of course, there are
times when change is necessary and important, like if you want to become
thriftier so you can save up enough to buy a house, or if you or your partner's
habits are causing health problems. But even then, your work should be based on
trust and acceptance rather than criticism and judgment.
3: Be Supportive
In a 5-year study,
researchers found that newlyweds
describe four different types of support, what they've labeled:
·
Physical and emotional support: Sharing and
listening as well as hand holding and hugging
·
Esteem: Offering self-esteem boosts and
confidence
·
Informational: General advice-giving
·
Tangible: Helping with additional
responsibilities or problem solving
The trick is to supply the
right kind and level of support as needed -- and to watch out for too much
informational support. No one likes to feel they're being told what to do.
Everyone has a different idea of the perfect amount -- and type -- of support.
So, be sure to let your partner know what type and how much fits your bill -- and
listen to what he or she tells you about the support you provide.
2: Laugh Together
Laughter is contagious, and when we hear it, our brain automatically
wants to get in on the action. According to multiple studies, including studies
at the Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience, University College London, we
naturally mimic the gestures and facial expressions of those we talk to, a
trait that is now also thought to include laughing We laugh when we hear a
funny joke, when we play, when we're tickled … but laughing isn't just an
indication we think something is funny. It's also one of the ways we bond with
other people. Laughter is universal and a social lubricant, so go ahead and see
that new Seth Rogen movie on date night -- not only will your laughter boost
your mood, but it just might boost your bonding.
1: Find Common Interests and Pursue Them Together
The seven-year itch,
the witching hour when couples are said to lose interest in their relationship,
isn't necessarily a myth. According to 2001 data released by the U.S. Census
Bureau, first marriages that
ultimately end in divorce last an average of eight years, with separation
happening after seven years of marriage And researchers at the University of
Michigan and Stony Brook University found that couples who were growing bored with their relationship after
seven years together were less close to each other and less satisfied with
their marriage
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